It took me some time to actually attend an E-Woman Event. Not because I didn’t like E-Woman or that I didn’t believe in what it stands for. I think if I had to be brutally honest, it’s because I lacked the confidence and I gave up on myself. I still pretty much lack confidence but I am working on it. In general, I struggle to attend social gatherings where I know things will get deep and well… social. I’m not sure why, yet.
When Bianca invited me to another event, my husband put his foot down and told me that I simply HAD to go. I am glad he did. All I needed was an excuse to tell myself, “Well LeoAnn, you can’t chicken out this time, you are forced to go”. Guess what, I absolutely loved it! Turns out, God had HUGE plans for me that day.
Before I go into what God told me at the event, I have to share a little bit about my story. I am newly married and opened a new business with my husband 2 weeks after we got back from honeymoon. I’m 24 years old and have no huge savings and neither does my husband. We took one huge risk so early in our marriage on top of not having financial stability. When I was 18, I was diagnosed with PCOS and was told that I will most likely never have kids. This was, and sometimes still is, a devastating thought to me. I am the oldest of 6 kids. My mom passed when I was young. Needles to say, a lot of the responsibilities became mine. Only at the age of 24 am I learning how to be a sister and not a mother. At the age of 24 I am learning how to relax and find my voice. At the age of 24 I am learning how to be a child. It’s not easy.
At the event, Bianca spoke about relationship and what it means to truly have a relationship with God. I thought, “mmhm got that done and dusted”. HAH! Jokes on me! She went on talking about having a REAL relationship with God and not a fake one. She spoke about needing to go towards the oasis when we are in a desert. She spoke about what it looks like when we are not planted by the stream. And that was when I realised how deep into the desert I was.
I constantly found myself feeling tired and that I couldn’t go on in life. I struggled to tell people how I take my coffee and whether I wanted to attend a dinner or not. I couldn’t voice myself because I belittled myself constantly and kept reminding myself that the one thing God made me to be I was failing in, and that was to be a woman. I used to think to myself, “I can’t even be a normal woman, what are the chances of me being anything else AND do it well?”. All I did was worry day in and day out. I wanted to know my purpose. I wanted to know where I was going in life and whether or not we will ever have kids. The unknown is not something I deal well with. But then she read this…
15 till the Spirit is poured on us from on high,
and the desert becomes a fertile field,
and the fertile field seems like a forest.
16 The Lord’s justice will dwell in the desert,
his righteousness live in the fertile field.
17 The fruit of that righteousness will be peace;
its effect will be quietness and confidence forever.
18 My people will live in peaceful dwelling places,
in secure homes,
in undisturbed places of rest.
19 Though hail flattens the forest
and the city is leveled completely,
20 how blessed you will be,
sowing your seed by every stream,
and letting your cattle and donkeys range free.
Bianca reminded me that the enemy uses time to distract us and that it cannot operate in peace. I realised that I had to die first as a seed in order to be planted by the stream and grow to bare fruit. I had to stop with “me, myself and I” and experience the word first hand. I have faith that God will give me the portion that I need and when I need it. Until then I am going to enjoy the shade and cool water we find planted by the stream.
What are you struggling with at the moment? It’s okay to find yourself in a desert every now and then. Just remember to find your oasis and everything will be okay.
8 Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.
Lots of love